One day without any warning I was old. It really crept up on me. I am one of those people that is obsessed with getting older. I mean what is there to look forward too? Creaking bones, walking hunched. I recently read in one of my diary entries from 23 years ago where I commented about feeling old at turning 21. So I am sure the picture of my mentality is clearer now. I just can't handle time slipping by.
However, I was not ready for this. Around a year ago, after I started some new medication for what they are now calling "bi polar" with very low mania, I looked in the mirror. It seem like it was the first time I had looked in the mirror for a very long time. I can only contribute it to the long struggle over the last couple of years with having a baby and falling in and out of deeper and deeper depressions. There I was old , rather boring and looking like a mother that is been run over a couple of times. It was nothing like the glamorous self I had once been or envision myself being. Now I am also vain . I rightly admit it , it is all I got. However, with the depression came the pounds. I was able to take off baby weight pretty good. On the other hand I was not able to take off the weight I had gained prior to the pregnancy. So this former anorexic /bulimic girl is now about 40 lbs overweight. The weird thing is I have a reverse problem that anorexic people do . They see their image as being too fat . I still feel thinner than I am and then reality slaps me in the face while passing by the store window. In the end it is all called body dimorphism.
Well it is now out there . Now I am on a path of trying to make it work , just like I have made other things work through the mental illness and the other ups and downs. I CAN NOT do anything about getting older, I will keep telling myself but as they say, I won't go down without a fight.
However, I was not ready for this. Around a year ago, after I started some new medication for what they are now calling "bi polar" with very low mania, I looked in the mirror. It seem like it was the first time I had looked in the mirror for a very long time. I can only contribute it to the long struggle over the last couple of years with having a baby and falling in and out of deeper and deeper depressions. There I was old , rather boring and looking like a mother that is been run over a couple of times. It was nothing like the glamorous self I had once been or envision myself being. Now I am also vain . I rightly admit it , it is all I got. However, with the depression came the pounds. I was able to take off baby weight pretty good. On the other hand I was not able to take off the weight I had gained prior to the pregnancy. So this former anorexic /bulimic girl is now about 40 lbs overweight. The weird thing is I have a reverse problem that anorexic people do . They see their image as being too fat . I still feel thinner than I am and then reality slaps me in the face while passing by the store window. In the end it is all called body dimorphism.
Well it is now out there . Now I am on a path of trying to make it work , just like I have made other things work through the mental illness and the other ups and downs. I CAN NOT do anything about getting older, I will keep telling myself but as they say, I won't go down without a fight.
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